Going through it


*grabs handkerchief*

I’m really going through it.

Have you ever had the situation where you found it nigh impossible to forgive yourself?

And you replay scenarios in your head again and again,

and wonder what would have happened if you had done something differently?

Not that the present outcome is bad, but you wonder if God had intended better for you?

Like you feel so badly about what you’ve done that you can’t even enjoy the gifts that you’ve been given because you feel like they are tainted by the guilt of your actions. The actions that you felt were responsible for getting getting you these gifts.

(maybe God had always intended to bless me…maybe, maybe, maybe)

And you question yourself….‘Would I still have been given these gifts if my actions were different? If I were obedient to God’s word?’

‘Are these gifts????????’

You’re so torn, because you want to be absolutely certain that even though you’ve sinned in the past, you are making the right decisions now.

You really don’t want to hurt anyone, but you know that you can’t keep compromising your beliefs as you have done in the past.

You’re plagued by the doubt of a question:

‘Can something that was born out of an impure act…be blessed?’

{Editor’s note: Some of y’all got real concerned…which is understandable. Y’allz really love me 🙂 But rest assured that my issue has been resolved and this post was more of an opportunity to vent. God is always good}


7 thoughts on “Going through it

  1. Eeeeeeeer okay I feel you when you say and ask………

    “And you replay scenarios in your head again and again,
    and wonder what would have happened if you had done something differently?”

    Because that happens to me alot, and I consider it natural, particularly when you are questioning your decisions, circumstances, satisfactory level etc etc… but I try not to over think it because that’s useless…pointless really. You can’t change the past, and you can hardly reverse past actions/decisions..maybe in rare cases you can, but Life has no back button. You however do have rational thinking, and choice, NOW….therefore in the moment…always remember that at some point THIS moment will become the past and to what extent will you look back on it and say ‘yeah, I’m okay with that’.

    Its not always that easy because humans aren’t rational beings and laaaaaaaaaawd we got these pesky emotions!

    Anyway the rest of your post made me think of a crime committed…………………something you wanna tell us Asha? Bank robbery? Jewelery store mishap? wanna share the wealth?

    • no crime ma’am….no pregnancy either :/

      thanks for your concern *kissies*

      but I’ve prayed and slept and I’m better now. I’ve gotten a new perspective on things…I was just overwhelmed

      • That’s well and good on all counts honey

        but I’m still confused simply because I’m not sure in what context this all is in

        however well done on praying on it and figuring things out.

  2. Real questions and nice answer Ndunge! We have a French proverb which says “avec des “si” on mettrait Paris en bouteile” (“With “if” we will put Paris in a bottle”).

    It’s pretty hard to imagine our life without doing “this precise action”… When we deeply think about “Why am I here right now, doing that” we realize that a lot of little actions, stories have led us to the person that we are today. No matter if these actions were good or not, we can’t know exactly how it could have been different…

    Past is the past, we can’t change it, spending your time about thinking about it prevent to enjoy the present moment.
    That’s why God can forgive and our past should be used to learn about life, improve your present in order to have a better “future-past” 🙂

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